Sugar Junkie Blog by Rebecca Hill. And the Oscar goes to..

February 27, 2011

While everyone else is watching the Oscars I’m sitting here contemplating Deepak Chopra’s question, “What kind of relationships do I want to have?” I’m not doing this because I’m “so deep and centered” – I’m doing this because my husband, Tom, turned our TV reception off 3 years ago upon both of us realizing that I’m a TV addict, and in particular, I’m a reality show junkie. If I remember correctly, it was a “Real Housewives of Orange County” marathon that was the final straw in making this decision.

After about 6 hours of me watching “The Real Housewives” and refusing to talk with Tom or even get out of bed, Tom started yelling, “This must stop. Ever since I’ve known you, you’ve talked about wanting to be a writer, but you never even try to write – you just watch TV!” So, off went the TV and I guess it worked – because here I am writing instead of watching the Oscars. (Though I do keep trying to get “sneak peeks” of the Oscars from clips online and The Huffington Post…our secret, okay!?!) Read more.

Anyway, this week we’re down to discussing the last 2 questions that Deepak Chopra encouraged us to explore in his LA Times, New Year’s Eve article. Again, the reason we’re exploring the questions he poses is because I’m guessing that if we can answer questions like “Who Am I?” and “What Is My Purpose In Life?” then we will lean less on food for emotional support.

This week the question we’ll explore is, “What kind of relationships do I want to have?”

My knee jerk reaction (because it sounds like what I would want/ should want) is I only want deep, meaningful, soulful relationships. But that’s not really true. “Deep, meaningful, soulful relationships” take time – a lot of time – and if I had infinite amounts of time, I would want dozens of these kinds of relationships. But I don’t have infinite amounts of time, so the kinds of relationships I want are:

1. Nice, easy, fun, pleasant relationships with most of the people I know. I want these relationships to be fairly brief and productive. Though I like all of the people I have these relationships with (because I don’t do business or hang out with people I don’t like) the “purpose” of our relationship is to get something specific done and involves either me doing a service for them (like me getting a chocolate chip cookie for them at the Inn or me showing them how to exercise at Curves to get said chocolate chip cookie OFF of their tummy) or them doing a service for me. These relationships are real – there is genuine concern for the person’s happiness and well-being and real information is often exchanged (me asking about their kids, them asking about Tom, etc.) but it is clear that they are in no way “responsible for my life” nor am I responsible for theirs. I like these kinds of relationships – they’re fun – they’re uplifting – they allow me to get to know hundreds of people from all different walks of life. These relationships are fascinating to me and they almost always put a “pep in my step” because they’re so interesting. (It’s kind of like going to the Zoo – you get to look at all of the cool animals and admire them, but you don’t have to feed them or clean up their cage. Do you know what I mean? Hmmm…is it okay for me to compare people to Zoo animals? Oh well, I just did – moving on…)

2. I want to have a community of friends that I greatly admire and cheer on wildly from the sidelines. These kinds of relationships consist mainly of an occasional email or card saying “I’m so proud of you!” and “Way to go!” Again, these relationships are fun – I am not responsible for these people, but I am really, truly and sincerely 100% proud of them when they accomplish something great in their field whether they are a doctor, an artist or a teacher. My relationship with these people is very uplifting. I stand in awe of their talents and feel proud to be part of the human race just because they are so incredibly talented and set the bar for what human beings are capable of!

3. I want a small handful of friends that I do have “deep, meaningful, soulful” relationships with. I want to interact with these people often via email, phone and lunch dates. I do want to know their “highs” and their “lows” and I do want to share the roses and the thorns of my life with them. I do feel responsible for these people because I love them, in addition to admiring them. I will take them soup if they are sick, I will console them if they lose their job or if their heart gets broken. I will share whatever time, money and wisdom I have with them. And these people will do (and have done) the same for me. These relationships require an investment of time. They are usually, but not always, fun. These relationships are incredibly real and take time to develop – they are the foundation of what makes getting through life doable and deeply satisfying for me. Even with these relationships though, I have boundaries. I expect my friends to (as Kiana says) “keep their fit together” and don’t expect them to devote their entire lives to putting me back together if my life falls apart. (Which it has twice.) I have a friend, who was a very close friend for over 20 years – one of my best friends as a matter of fact. But, from the time I’ve known her, she’s often made bad decisions. She’s optimistic, forgiving and generous to a fault, which is what draws me to her and makes me admire her; but it’s probably also why she ends up dating bad guys and not even having enough money to keep food on her table. She always waits for “something fabulous” to happen, rather than looking at the situation at hand and making wise decisions about what she should do next. When we met in college, I had endless hours to light candles and lie around eating peanut butter ice cream while we cried over this boy or that boy – but now that I’m in my 40s, I don’t have – or don’t want to invest time in those kinds of conversations. My friend likes to talk about how life has dealt her a bad hand – and, in some cases that’s true. But I’ve grown suspicious of my friend over the past 20 years – how could life deal one person so many bad hands? Why does she keep getting involved in these relationships? I finally had to tell her that though I love her (and I do) that I think part of being a “real friend” is keeping a roof over your head, food on your table and gas in your tank. It’s okay to lean heavily on a friend every now and then (Lord knows I have) but it’s not okay to drown a friend with your sorrows and bad decisions. It’s just not. There is a difference between what a friend should and can do and what a professional therapist can do. I do not want a relationship where I am leaned on like a professional therapist because I do not have the training or the skills to know how to help someone who is in the throes of a clinical depression. My friend implies that I’m being a “bad friend” (and that her other friends are being “bad friends”) because we feel this oversteps the boundaries of friendship. Friends are not professional therapists. Friends, even the best of friends, are friends – they are not doctors. In trying to help this friend over the past few years it has felt as if she was asking me to perform an appendectomy. I have no idea how to help. But I feel guilty for not helping – so I eat …and I eat…and I eat, and that does not help her or me.

4. There is only one relationship I want to have where I will allow myself to be consumed by that person’s passions, joys, sorrows and fears. This relationship has very few boundaries. This relationship is with my husband, Tom. Even when we said our wedding vows, though I did ask the preacher to add in the phrase “as long as love and respect endure.” So in that little white church back in Georgia, almost 11 years ago, the vows were, “For better, for worse. For richer or poorer. In sickness and in health” AS LONG AS LOVE AND RESPECT ENDURE. And though we’ve had some knock down drag out fights over the years (like when he turned the TV cable off!) love and respect have endured for over a decade now. For this one relationship, I am willing to pay for any mistakes he makes and hold his hand even if he is dealt “a bad hand.” I am his most ardent (and involved) cheerleader as he pursues his path as a musician and as he explores who he is as a person as well as an artist. When he succeeds, I succeed. When he fails, I fail. When he’s happy, I’m happy. When he hurts, I hurt. And he does the same for me. He’s nursed me back to physical and emotional health the two times my life has fallen apart and he’s laughed and played and explored the world with me all through my 30s and now into my 40s as I strive to explore and understand my purpose in life. (In an ideal world, one would have this kind of relationship with family members too, but that’s not always the case – probably because, unlike our spouses, we do not get to choose our family members so sadly compatibility is often an issue with immediate family members.)

I think you can also define what you want by talking about what you DON’T want. I don’t want any relationships that are controlling, threatening or abusive. And by “controlling” I don’t mean just the obvious moustache-twisting-evil version of “controlling”, I also mean the well intentioned, but high pressure version of “controlling” that often comes from well intentioned family members, bosses or friends. Highly charged “suggestions” as to what religion you should (or should not) believe in, what school of thought would “bring you peace”, how you should dress, who you should date, etc. are no longer welcomed in my world.

At the end of the day, I think our relationships should lift us up and enrich our lives – not make us shrink or hide (or stuff cupcakes down our throats because we feel so burdened by a friend’s problems or we’re afraid someone we love is going to disapprove of our life views and of who we are.) We have a choice as to who we have relationships with and what kinds of relationships we have with them. And relationships are allowed to change over the years. I have friends who have gone from being a person I talk to weekly to being a person I simply exchange Christmas cards with in December. I still care about them greatly, but I’ve taken a backseat in their life, and that’s fine. To quote words of wisdom from 38 Special, when it comes to relationships I think you have to “hold on loosely, but don’t let go; if you cling too tightly, you’re gonna’ lose control.”
Did I just quote 38 Special in the same article I quoted Deepak Chopra!?! Oh well, I’ll take words of wisdom wherever I can find them!

So, over to you now. Do you agree with me that relationships should have boundaries and that not having boundaries leads to turning to food for emotional support because you’re depleted from giving too much? Or do you disagree? Do you have the emotional bandwidth to give without limitations and boundaries? I’m curious – what do you think? What kinds of relationships do YOU want to have?