How did everyone’s week go? Were you able to find 5 minutes of “Quiet Time” each day to meditate? I tried, but was only able to do it two days.
I’m going to try again to meditate each day this week because I think it’s important for our physical and emotional wellbeing. Per Kiana, we’re going to add one more step this week for our FIT MOM TV HOLIDAY CHALLENGE.
WEEK #2’s assignment is:
1. CONTINUE TO TRY TO FIND 5 MINUTES PER DAY TO MEDITATE, PREFERABLY IN THE MORNING.
2. AT LEAST FOR ONE DAY, WRITE DOWN EVERY SINGLE THING YOU EAT AND MAKE A NOTE AS TO WHY YOU ATE WHAT YOU ATE. (WERE YOU HUNGRY? OVERWHELMED? BORED? IT JUST LOOKED GOOD? ETC.)
The reason we’ve added this second step is that I had a pretty rough week last week in terms of my food choices and I’m still sorting out in my mind why I ate what I ate. I’m contemplating: Is the issue “what I’m eating” or is the issue really “what’s eating me?”
Last week I flew to Seattle to visit my grandma (my dad’s mother) and my aunt. It was good to see them and they made me feel incredibly loved, but it was an emotional trip. This was my first time seeing them since my father’s sudden death and my mom’s equally sudden remarriage. I was only at their house for 36 hours and while I was there I was relaxed and happy. But, once I got to the airport to fly back to Los Angeles, I felt extremely alone and very anxious. I love to fly so it had nothing to do with flying – it was something on an emotional level; something about seeing my dad’s family and the pain in their eyes reflecting the acute loss I also feel.
As I often do, I turned to food to try to ease the anxiety. I went to the newsstand in the Seattle airport and bought 2 candy bars and a Diet Coke. Consumed all of them within 10 minutes. Still felt anxiety. Tried deep breathing. Still felt anxiety.
Boarded the airplane. The anxiety increased to a level of panic. I knew I had to stay on the plane. I was alone (Tom couldn’t go with me on this trip). I turned the air nozzle on “high” so I could feel the cool air blowing on me. I took deep breaths. Then, as a last resort, I took half of a Xanax. The panic subsided back into anxiety but I was still having trouble breathing.
The flight attendant gave everyone semi-stale pretzel/ chex mix party packs and Diet Cokes. I ate half of mine and then started asking myself, “What am I doing? Why am I eating candy bars, diet cokes and a semi-stale pretzel/ chex mix party pack?” The answer being, “Because I’m sad. Because I miss Tom. Because I don’t want my dad to be dead.” I could barely breath during the entire flight.
When I landed at LAX, I had to go directly to the Bed & Breakfast Hotel where I work. I really needed to go home and take a nap and cry. I needed an emotional release but when you’re an adult, you have responsibilities. There’s no way I could’ve called my manager and said, “ Sorry but I’ll be late because I need to cry and have a nap.” I had to go to work, so I did. Once I got to the Inn my manager said, “Are you okay?” as she watched me eat raw cookie dough. I said, “Yes, it was an emotional trip but a good one.” I still couldn’t breath.
My manager left so I ate 3 cookies. I still couldn’t breath. The guests asked me a lot of questions. I answered them, but still couldn’t breathe. Then our neighbor’s cat, Rusty, came over to the Inn. Rusty is not supposed to be inside the Inn (because some of the guests are allergic to animals) so I picked him up to carry him back outside. The minute I picked Rusty up, he started purring. As I walked him to the door, I buried my face in his fur and hugged him tightly. He continued to purr loudly and finally – FINALLY, I could breathe again. I stood outside with Rusty for just a few minutes hugging him while he purred and I felt calm and centered.
So what 2 candy bars, 2 diet cokes, a Xanax, deep breathing and a semi-stale pretzel/ chex mix party pack couldn’t do – Rusty the cat did in under 2 minutes. Thanks to Rusty I found my center, I felt peaceful, and I could breathe again.
That was a big “ah-ha” moment for me. To realize that there is something more powerful and more potent than food in terms of calming my anxiety. For me, it turns out – it’s a cat’s purr. (Which actually makes sense. I’ve been in love with cats since the day I met my first cat when I was 4 year’s old; my grandma’s cat, David.) Since then, I’ve loved every cat I’ve ever met including Rusty, our neighbor’s cat at the Inn, and my own cat, “Anais the Siamese.”
But, I’m guessing different things calm different people down. I don’t think a cat’s purr would calm everyone down (especially those allergic to cats!) For my husband, Tom, I bet writing a song is how he finds his center. For my girlfriend, Dorothee, I’m guessing picking up a paintbrush is how she finds peace. I’m sure Kiana works out if she’s feeling stressed and my friend, Suzanne, often takes nature photographs as a way of tapping into her creative spirit and finding her center…
So, I’m wondering – WHAT IS IT (BESIDES FOOD) THAT CAN REALLY CALM YOU DOWN AND HELP YOU FIND YOUR CENTER WHEN YOU’RE UPSET?
(I’d really appreciate you sharing this because it might help me or one of the other women reading this blog. We all need to find alternatives to eating when we get knocked off balance and need to find our emotional center.) Suggestions?
Rebecca Hill is the author of “Confessions of an Innkeeper” and “Don’t You Worry, Don’t You Cry.” Her writing has appeared in Redbook Magazine and she frequently contributes to Chicken Soup for the Soul. Her most recent story appeared in the new Chicken Soup for the Soul book, “Thanks, Mom!” She has worked as coordinator on high profile projects including: Kiana’s Flex Appeal, American Idol and Scooby Doo the movie. NEW! Rebecca will have a new story in Chicken Soup for the Soul for the New You / New Year!
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ReplyDeleteCB: I love the photos of you and your cat! Animals have a very calming sense. My dog is my rock. Love love love him. He grounds me and makes me feel centered.
I can empathize with you on panic attacks. That is the worst feeling. I had that years ago when I was working way too much and had to fly from Hawaii where I was hosting Kiana's Flex Appeal all the way to the East Coast to host the X Games by 6 am I flew the last leg of the flight in an electrical storm in a 6 seater private plane, lighting all around, tossed like a toy. Major panic attack, couldn't breathe. For me even a dozen cupcakes wouldn't have helped.
Point is: I researched alot on panic attacks, it became that severe in any confined space after that incident. Deep breathing was the #1 solution AND realizing the panic is merely the body's way of dealing with it and it WILL pass. Once you allow your body to feel the panic and see that it passes, each time is a bit easier. Try it on a small incident next time. Don't be frightened, try to deep breathe and let your body go through it.
Love Kiana
Kiana, thank you for your words. They make me feel less alone knowing you have gone through this too. If it ever happens to me again, I will try to relax and "let my body go through it." I think that was some of the problem - because when I couldn't breath, I kept saying to myself "What are you doing? Snap out of this. Come on, this is ridiculous. You're being such a baby." And that kind of self-talk just aggravated the situation, I think. Plus, I didn't tell anyone what I was going through. Maybe if I had told Tom over the phone or told my manager at work, I would have felt better - but I tried to "keep a stiff upper lip" and handle this myself. But, bottom line - you're right - it did pass! ;-)
ReplyDeleteEnjoyed the blog! I too have tendencies to be an emotional eater so I can sympathize with you Rebecca. Becoming a "late in life" mom - at 39 then again at 41 - has revolutionized the way I handle most everything I'm faced with in life. Since becoming a mom almost 3 years ago (daughter Kendall) and now having my second child this year (son Ryker,8 months) the best medicine in the whole wide world when feeling upset, out of sorts, or just the blahs is seeing my babies smile at me! The word to describe the feeling you get when you hear that precious giggle, see that silly grin, or even lingering in your child's grasping, comfort-seeking, tear-filled hug....is not "happy"....the word is "filled"! Filled to your limits of satisfaction knowing that God has entrusted you with this precious blessing. Knowing that while the responsibility and stress can be huge at times, the reward is much greater. The love of my children combined with my never wavering faith in my Lord Jesus Christ is the only way I find my center - EVER - period. After having children, I know now more than ever before how precious God really is and how he takes care of those that believe in him. Never giving us more than we can handle but blessing us beyond belief when we are the good and faithful servants as he has called us to be.
ReplyDeleteYes, I too, have tried to "talk myself out of it." Many many times. Mind over matter. Panic wins. What now works for me is not to even try to talk myself out of it anymore. If I feel a panic coming on (....helicopter ride, snowing.....Alaska...ice peaks...no ground in site... super bumpy), I try and divert myself and change the mental subject. "Look over there Kiana!"
ReplyDeleteOr, (and don't know if you got tingling arms from the panic or not, I did) just focus on the experience and odd physical changes your body is going through: tingling arms, shortness of breath etc. that is happening only from the mind. In a strange way, it is amazing what the mind can do. It does subside.
There is something so zen about a cat. I often look to my two lovable fluff-balls to help me to slow down sometimes and remember what is really in the present moment and what is not. Last year I went through a very stressful family time with my parents divorcing after 40 years of marriage. I made a decision very early on in the process to make my health, mental and physical, my number one priority because I knew I would need to be strong for this roller coaster. Yes, I did quite often go for my #1 comfort food, french fries, but I balanced that with therapy and a trainer. I also found that being in nature really balanced me- gardening, just walking, or photographing. I think it really is different for everyone and you just need to keep looking and seeking that moment that helps you breath. Thank you Rebecca for sharing your stories:)
ReplyDeleteRebecca,
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful blog....I love your honesty and I am so sorry you had an emotional week. I am also so sorry you lost your Dad so suddenly and imagine dealing with your Mom's sudden remarriage has been very difficult to deal with. You are going through so much and I can see why you turn to food for comfort because that is what most people do. I think for some people it is alcohol, others smoke and some of us eat. I am the same way so I understand. It is so difficult to control those emotions and find a positive way of dealing with things when our entire world seems out of control. I would like to be able to as you pointed out write a song like your husband Tom or paint a picture, etc...but I am just like you....I turned to anything I can think of that sounds good....chips, cookies, pizza :) Please continue to write your inspiring and uplifting blog because it helps the rest of us deal with what we are fighting on a daily basis. It is good to know we are not alone.....
Rebecca,
ReplyDeleteLove the pictures of you and the cats.....they all seem so special :-)
Sheila – thank you for reading my blog and for taking the time to post a comment. Congratulations on having two beautiful children! You raise an important point: prayer and meditation can play an important role in guiding our lives and helping us find our center. Regardless of which religion a person follows, I think seeking direction from within and asking for help from above is always a good idea! If a person is not religious, I still think meditation is a wonderful way for them to find their center and help guide their life and I hope that everyone will try it. (Remember, the song “Quiet Time” is posted on last week’s blog as a way to help you time and guide your meditation.) Peace and blessings to you and your beautiful family, Sheila!
ReplyDeleteSuzanne, I'm sorry to hear about your parent's divorce. I know that must have been very stressful and disorienting for you and your entire family. I LOVE that you leaned on therapy and a personal trainer to help get you through this! (Sounds like the french fries were just a minor crutch and that the therapy and the trainer were the main pillars of strength.) I bet having a personal trainer (rather than simply working out on your own) really helped during this tumultuous time because you were accountable to a person/ had an actual appointment to workout and that probably made you workout more than if you were just on your own and had the option of "just skipping it" when you felt blue. (Same with the therapist - sometimes just sitting by ourselves thinking through our problems is not as effective as actually going to meet with a therapist one on one.) Good job, Suzanne!
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous, thank you for your kind email. It helps me know I am not alone when you share your feelings as well.... I really think talking about emotional eating (and other subjects) will help all of us improve the quality of our lives. I love some of the suggestions given above by readers: prayer, meditation, therapy, personal trainer ...all great ideas! Thank you for reading my blog and for writing in! Sincerely, Rebecca
ReplyDeleteYes, they are special! I like all cats but I particularly love these three! (Anais is sitting on my lap as I write this note, as a matter of fact. She says "hi!") :-)
ReplyDeleteI can so totally relate, Rebecca! So often I have turned to cookies, cake or candy to comfort me when I'm feeling stressed or angry. I told a friend of mine how they actually make me feel better sometimes, and she said "Don't you think heroin addicts feel better after they get their fix?" It really opened my eyes to what an addict I've become. I have been trying other strategies lately. A long, brisk walk seems to help remove anger or frustration for me. It loosens up that tightness in my chest. Deep breathing,too, has a positive affect. It's funny though, sometimes I feel like I use my anxiety or anger as self sabotage, plotting how I'm going to eat junk food to get back at whatever. Not a good strategy, but at least I'm becoming more self-aware and am able to defeat that one a little more easily. We're all in this together, Rebecca. Thanks for taking the time to write. And hello to the kitties for me!
ReplyDeleteI know that anxiety-turned-panic feeling all too well. When I spend time with my extended family I always leave feeling, for lack of a real word, icky. I rehash every conversation, "Did I say the right thing? Why did I do that?" until I feel nauseated and uncomfortable in my own skin. I worry incessantly about what everyone thought of me and I often feel like I offended someone and everyone's mad at me. I'm neurotic, I know, but I too eat to squash the nauseated, uncomfortable feelings. And yet, there is something I can do that always makes me feel better- talking it out with my husband. Josh is so calm and logical, when I tell him how I'm feeling he likes to break it down for me, " So you were talking with your aunt and you didn't greet your cousin immediately and you feel like she's mad at you now? Well, she was busy talking with everyone else too and even if she was mad at you, she's the silly one." Just by talking it out I feel the butterflies disperse and I can relax again, free of my self-inflicted turmoil.
ReplyDeleteWell, smoking always worked wonders for me. Sadly, I had to give it up, what with it causing wrinkles and cancer and whatnot. :) I still miss it, though. It was the perfect excuse to get up, go outside, and clear my head. Plus the slow, deep breaths combined with that nicotine lift calmed and energized at the same time. It was glorious. There's a reason people smoke despite the dire consequences....
ReplyDeleteNow when I need to calm down, I make a beeline for my cat. The sound of him purring is better than xanax. I can bury my face in his fur and all my troubles seem to melt away.
When I need a pick-me-up, dancing usually does the trick. I crank up the stereo and dance around my living room, kitchen, bedroom, wherever. I look ridiculous, but I really don't care. It makes me feel great!
Enjoyed the blog - can only imagine how emotional the trip & visit must have been for you. I too am a recovering emotional eater. Thankfully the instances of emotional eating have decreased - but it is a fight sometimes. Agree it helps to allow yourself to go through it - meditating, deep breething, going for a walk, or writing in a journal are all ways that have helped me get to the "other side". Thanks for sharing your interesting stories. Love the pictures.
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