Last week was a tough week for me. Without burdening you with the details, I had a blowup with a family member which led to my feelings getting hurt. Within one minute of this altercation I fled to the mini-market behind my apartment and bought and ate 4 cookies and a pack of licorice before I could even walk back home. Needless to say, I am addicted to sugar. I use it to "feel better" when I'm sad, I use it to "celebrate" when I'm happy.
I'm a sugar junkie and like all junkies I tend to get out of control when I need a fix. I've been in treatment (i.e. - Weight Watchers) for several years and it does help. For days - sometimes even weeks on end - I'm under control. I can have small treats like dark chocolate and even a scoop of ice cream because I like those things but I don't LOVE those things.
What really sets me off is baked goods which is a problem because one of my part-time jobs is working as an Innkeeper at Channel Road Inn and The Inn At Playa del Rey (where we bake homemade cookies and breakfast cakes for our guests on a daily basis.) Each time I'm making cooking dough and using superhuman strength to resist eating it I think, "Boy, this is really stupid. Me working as an Innkeeper is like an alcoholic working as a bartender. What am I doing?" But, I love my job. I love the guests. I love Channel Road Inn and The Inn At Playa del Rey. They're both beautiful Bed and Breakfast Hotels! I also love my co-workers. It's a great job!
Kiana is my hero! We've eaten together on numerous occasions and I am constantly amazed how she (seemingly) effortlessly makes healthy choices and only eats until she's full.
When it's time to order desert Kiana inevitably says, "Oh good, dessert - do you want to split one?" I hear my mouth say "yes, great idea!" but inside I'm thinking "No! No, Kiana - I want you to go to the bathroom or get an urgent production call so you'll go outside on your cell phone and I can consume 2 pieces of cheesecake ...and then, when you come back - THEN - we can "split a dessert.")
As the one dessert with the two forks arrives at our table I force a smile which eventually leads to a look of incredulity as Kiana takes two, maybe three small bites of the dessert then says "Yummy!" and puts her fork down. It makes me want to pull her hair to make sure she's really human. (I'm known to get violent when I'm in the throes of a sugar fix. Just ask my husband, Tom, who tried to keep me from eating Halloween candy last week!)
Okay, it's a new day. It's a new week. It's an opportunity to be the person I want to be. Everyone has their demons - sugar is mine. I can conquer this. One day at a time. It's going to be a good day. It's going to be a good week! I can just feel it.
Rebecca Hill is the author of "Confessions of an Innkeeper" and "Don't You Worry, Don't You Cry." Her writing has appeared in Redbook Magazine and she frequently contributes to Chicken Soup for the Soul. Her most recent story appeared in the new Chicken Soup for the Soul book, "Thanks, Mom!"
Rebecca,
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate.....I am so amazed by people who can make healthy choices and can actually stop eating when they are full. I really wish somehow I would be able to learn that and manage to stay on track for more than two weeks at a time. You really nailed what so many of us are feeling out there and what most people are afraid to admit. It was refreshing to read your thoughts and true feelings and believe me you are not alone. Would love to hear more of your thoughts and stories....it helps us all to know we are not alone in our daily struggles with food and sugar. Take care and I hope you have a great week!!
Hi Rebecca,
ReplyDeleteFrom one sugar addict to another....I can relate to what you are going through. One day at a time is right....especially with all the temptations we face on a daily basis. Thanks for sharing your struggles and I am wishing you all the best!
Hi Rebecca, First, thank you for writing this heartfelt article. I can also relate to emotional eating and feeling upset that something is not going right in your life and then running to the refrigerator or the store to make it all feel better. Being in Weight Watchers is also good advice, because a lot of us need that support and find dieting almost impossible to do on our own. I have to say though that I loved your dessert story when eating out with Kiana. We all have been there, done that, felt that. Except with me and my sister, it's our mother who can control herself in front of a dessert and won't let food win. It's nice to have a role model to keep us in check and thinking about our choices. Love this website and keep sending the helpful and truthful articles.
ReplyDeleteHi Rebecca,
ReplyDeleteWhat a great article!! So thankful that you were able to be so honest and open about what you are going through and what so many of us are going through....I also agree that being in Weight Watchers or any program that holds you accountable is great. Would love to hear more articles from you!!
As I've shared with you in the past, I am a strong believer that most struggles we face and seek to overcome can be reduced to a moment of making a conscious "Decision" to not allow our challenge du jour to overwhelm us. Oprah has espoused this view of her food addiction and emotional eating. There are so many temptations in this world and we all have our weaknesses in some form or another.
ReplyDeleteI have tried to take up this cause with various loved ones who still smoke. I have offered that they might want to re-frame their way of thinking about their struggle. Contrary to the argument I hear the most, you can refrain from something in spite of enjoying it. When I quit, I still enjoyed it. I would probably enjoy it right now too but that doesn't translate into a mandate to fulfill that desire. I often relay the analogy of my love (accurate description) of ice cream sundaes, brownies, cheesecake and the like and how although I would love to enjoy these treats every single day of my life, I just don't and for obvious reasons. We all have the power to refrain from smoking, drinking and/or poor food choices in excess if we actively make that choice. Sweets and snacks generally are in a special category certainly because it is ludicrous (and would be a sin in my opinion) to journey through life without indulging in them from time to time. In this regard, I have actually found that enjoying them as a pure "treat" (as opposed to an everyday "staple") makes them even more satisfying and rewarding.
I always return to the concept of moderation and try to set myself up for success. Along these lines I keep snack foods in the pantry to a minimum. For those times when I "must" indulge, the lack of access in my home forces me to go out to satisfy my craving and that is often enough of a deterrent; however, if I do make it to an ice cream parlor, then I enjoy myself completely and smile without an ounce of guilt. The key is that this is the exception rather than the rule!
I am constantly searching for healthier all-natural snacks that are free of trans fats, hydrogenated oils, high fructose corn syrup and artificial chemical sweeteners. I try to approach it as taking satisfaction in my victory in small daily battles rather than facing the war head-on! Living in the moment seems to lend itself to success.
Dr. Oz recently recommended eating a small amount of dried cranberries daily. I followed his directive and this snack often satisfies my sweet tooth!
I'd also like to share that I found these all-natural cookies which are delicious and satisfy the need for a little something sweet and crunchy all at once. If my dark chocolate squares just don't cut it, I nibble on a few of these:
http://www.barbarasbakery.com/snacks-snackimals/
Mindful eating is a great starting point. If you are able to make a better choice in any given moment, then over time, a series of successful moments adds up to a healthier lifestyle!
As grown-ups, and as with many things in life, we don't always have to like it...we just have to do it!
Do it with a smile and a sense of empowerment!
So truthful Rebecca! Nor am I a woman who has escaped the struggle of battling food. I recently started taking a kickboxing class that boasts "you can burn 1000 calories in 1 class!" But I'm finding I more than make up those 1000 calories- when I get home I am ravenously hungry AND I tell myself "I just worked out so I can eat whatever I want." But after 4 slices of American cheese and an entire sleeve of saltines, I realize I'm just working out so that I can feel slightly less guilty about eating the way I do.
ReplyDeleteBut like you said, its a new week, a chance to reinvent me, to battle these demons, and make better choices. Its when you stop trying to do better that the real problem begins. SO we are on the right track- just keep trying and eventually, we will get it right, even if its one passed-up cookie at a time.
Great article, Rebecca!!!
ReplyDeleteI LOVE the part about ordering dessert because I felt like you were writing out my internal dialogue. When people ask if I want to share dessert, I always say yes (knowing it's the healthy option) but get aggressive once the dessert arrives. I can't follow a conversation because I'm always concerned the person is getting more than me, and I need every bite of sugar I can get.
Although my weight doesn't seem to be affected my by sugar intake, my diet is less than stellar at the moment. Since moving to a foreign country, it's been easy to make bad choices because a bag of chips is so much easier to come by than a granola bar (they don't even know what a granola bar is over here). I eat ice cream every night and as a Patisserie student at Le Cordon Bleu, I definitely more than satisfy my sugar quota each day. All of this is just an excuse really for not taking proper care of myself. I know I have the power to do so, it's just a matter of making it a priority in my life and figuring out how to do it so far away from home.
Thank you for sharing your story! I've always looked up to you as an 'older sister' figure and a great friend. You are always an inspiration!!!